change and circumstances

it hit me today that its going nowhere anymore. i dont know whether to sigh a sigh of relief or cry buckets. how stupid was i to have sent an sms for further confirmation of the answer i already knew. it broke my heart further. a friend told me that i have to mourn for my loss. i find that i cant mourn for something that never was mine. another friend told me that its all about change and circumstances. there was a change and circumstances couldnt adapt to that change, or so, couldnt make it work anymore. i believe in change and i believe in circumstances, but i dont believe that they have an inverse relationship.

and then i heard about differing standards of 'try' and differing 'expectations'. i guess we never know how much we've tried till someone tells us we've tried enough, we never know how much we expect till people fail our expectations, we never knew we had expectations till we withdraw ourselves and stand looking from the outside. but did u really reach the level of self actualisation to say that u tried your all? from where i see it: try, expectations, change and circumstances all work together. but apart from that all, it only works when u have the tool - the heart. it is known that humans have perseverance and we constantly amaze others with our ability to go beyond what is within the human mind and body.

so what happens now that my heart is broken? im choking on my tears. i really dont know how to mend it back. perhaps the main ingredient would be time. but u broke it so bad that i find it hard to breathe. perhaps the best excuse for the coughs that seem to make my broken heart stop beating. alas, its not u who is making it stop beating. the cough is, i delude myself.

its the night that makes it hard for me to see the morning. the darkness makes it hard for anything to survive. like how it enhances my loneliness, i hate missing us.